10/14/2022 7:06 AM
About a half hour or so ago, I turned off the YouTube shorts to try to go get some sleep. Instead of sleep, I got something that was as close to an anxiety attack as I've ever had.
A month out from 27. No skills. Sure, a way to make money, but with what to show for it?
I can't get a mortgage - and really, who the fuck would want one? That's such an absurd amount of money to be promising to pay back to a bank...
I have no idea what the future holds, and I keep trying to delay the inevitable by pretending that nothing is happening, when - clearly - we won't be in this house forever.
27. No skills nor experience with women. No real tangible skills. Nothing to show for being alive this long except about 13k in credit card debt and a room full of shit I barely use. Nice, man, good for me.
Granted, I have a group of great friends. People who I believe truly care about me and love me. But nobody is going to live my life for me. I'm the one who has to deal with the ineffective upbringing I've had that has raised me into a useless moron who's too lazy to even make himself a sandwich; and I'm the one who has to deal with my own laziness, and inability to function like a man.
To who do I owe the grief of living a life being me? Okay, I've made an impression on people. Say it was even me being my genuine self, and people genuinely like me for who I am. What if I don't? What if I don't know how to be my genuine self and provide for myself, let alone anyone else?
I can't get any inner peace, because I'm not doing what needs to be done to attain it. I don't even do the bare minimum most days. Do I even deserve peace, then? If I don't even do the bare minimum to make sure I have peace?
Anyway, what I had instead this morning when trying to go to bed was an inner feeling of impending doom and hopelessness. I don't know what the future holds, and I imagine it will be quite drastically different to my reality now. And that's not an idea I can easily come to terms with - mostly because I'm not putting any effort toward building/securing some sort of definite part of the unknown future.
6/14/2022 7:41 EST
Although I have nothing to write about right about now, I figure I should go ahead and start the habit of writing. Since this is the only hosted site I currently have, I'll post shit here for the time being. Maybe a decent way to go about this here writing stuff is: start writing anything, like this. Then, once it's routine, start building another website for these little rants.
Once I have these two things kind of consistent, maybe start transitioning to looking for actual writing gigs on fiverr and shit.
The goal here is to get paid to write, so it should be a point to try to get to the small fish stuff as soon as possible. Honestly, it might be a good exercise to just start building my own "professional" site as a portfolio and practice my copy and content by way of writing about myself - just make a legit website for myself as a legit content writer - because that's what I am. Duh.
This way, I can get familiar with Webflow while simultaneously building myself a space for a portfolio while simultaneously practicing writing while simultaneously forming the habit of working after work.
Please, me, for the love of God, keep at it this time. I swear, I can't be in the same position five years from now as I was five years ago. I have too much information at my disposal, and I'm not literally brain dead. Please, me, stay consistent. This is the only thing that matters right now. This is your start to a better future. This is literally the beginning, but only if you stick to it.
Don't be grandiose about it. Day by day, these minutes spent typing serve you infinitely more than minutes spent playing video games alone.
Work, and work or music at home. Progress in those two avenues.
I owe it to myself at this point. I owe it to myself to not fail. I got this. Eskettet.
4/24/2022 9:06 PM
To consume =/= to create.
Does creation of anything matter? Is it possible to create without first consuming something?
Everything in the world is built on something that came before.
Do I need to stop consumption in order to start creating?
Am I even able to create something worthwhile - something that deserves anyone's attention?
What the fuck does anyone's attention matter, anyway?
The important thing should be the growth of self, the fulfillment that only I can bring myself by applying myself to something,
But applying myself to what?
I know that I need money to survive. To live. To be carry myself rather than be a burden on someone; but I also understand that money alone does not bring happiness, satisfaction, or fulfillment.
Well, then, what is it that makes me fulfilled?
Besides hanging out with my friends, not much of anything, really.
Maybe the perseverance over something will bring me fulfillment.
But persevering though what? To what end?
What must I pick to overcome? What obstacles do I choose to face?
4/24/202
I don't know, and don't understand why I have the need to "do something," with my life, or where this need comes from.
Furthermore, I don't even know what the fuck I consider "doing something," with my life. I aslo have no idea what "doing nothing," consists of.
I don't think I give a fuck about writing, but for some reason I'm stuck on content writing or copywriting as my way to "make it," yet I never write a thing; and getting myself to stop playing video games and start writing is like pulling teeth. The same thing goes for playing any instrument or messing around with beats.
I have way too much crackhead energy in that I almost refuse to do anything that has to do with delayed gratification.
I don't put in the time to learn anything. I can't sit and practice without seeing immediate results or else I'm instantly feeling defeated.
I have no goals, and have no idea what kind of goals to set. I'm not working toward getting anything out of life, and I don't even know what it is that I want out of life.
This would all be well and good if this were 2017, when I was 21. It's 2022, I'm 26 and nearing my 30s and have done nothing with my time on this planet. If I were at least fully independent, that'd be pretty sweet.
I have no clue what the fuck to do.
I have no clue what to try.
I have no idea what industry I might thrive in.
I know nothing about anything, and I am feeling drained and useless.
About 45 minutes after I finished writing that, I am here again to write this:
Seeing as I am already here in PA learning how to do trim carpentry, that is one thing I need to focus on. All of my other hours should probably be focused on writing.
Not guitar. Not music. Not video games. Not books. Not anything else but writing.
From carpentry, and into writing. If that is the avenue I think will take me to many monies, that is the avenue I have to pursue.
10/13/2021
So, what have I achieved in the two weeks since writing that last confessional?
If you guessed "borderline nothing," you're right!
Even with the help and check-ins of a close friend ("what are you plans for today?" "For the week?" "What have you got done today/this week?"), I manage to not get shit done.
I know about delayed gratification. I even can understand the concept. For some reason, though, when it comes time to actually go through delayed gratification, I freeze. I don't understand it, but I want to change it. I will change it.
This inability to push past minor discomfort or uncertainty is probably one of the fundamental hinderances to me. This, for example, I am writing while I should be writing an ad.
Why?
Because I've written out ads a couple times now, and still have yet to make a sale. When it comes time to reattempt something, I stop. I can't bring myself to begin testing different iterations of things, because I don't know where to begin.
So instead of picking a starting point, and pushing into the inexperience to gain experience, I sit. Or I turn my attention to something else that I deem adjacent to what I'm doing. Hell, or I turn my attention to games. At least I know what I'm doing there.
And this goes back to about as far as I can remember. I have always been one to try something new. But whenever I ran into my first roadblock - minor or major - I stopped in my tracks and parted ways with whatever it was I was doing. There is no way for long-term actualization without the discipline for and application of perseverance. iPhone repair, lawn mowing, home security, iPhone repair again, logistics, self-teaching programming - all examples of things where I froze up right when I didn't know what to do next.
I have to change that.
So with this knowledge and understanding of myself, how do I go about building delayed gratification into myself? I want to do that, because I think it is impossible to have a life in which I work for myself without this ability; the ability to push through lack of knowledge, discomfort, and inexperience.
I suppose a good place to begin is to put this aside, this "well, at least I'm writing," and go begin writing a landing page.
I thought of a few names for this site when I went to register the domain. mereexistence, instateof, instate, stateofbeing, and stateof were some of the domains I looked up. A few iterations of thestateof were available, .co being the one I initially searched for. I saw .xyz and decided it was more fitting for whatever this is. When we talk in English, sometimes we use "X, Y, Z," in place of objects or subjects. The decision to make this was very spontaneous, and was mostly to get some thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. I have thrown around the idea of a personal site for a while, but I don't know if that's what this will be.
I still don't know what the outcome of this will be, and very likely the outcome will be that I type up this one thing, and never touch this domain or site builder again... but just in case, this is The State of XYZ. This time around, I'll be talking about the State of Me.
I finally laid down to bed at about 3:10 am. I opened YouTube on my phone like I do every morning when I'm in bed and going to bed. 3:55ish am, I turned on a Cumtown podcast, and closed my eyes. I was half-listening to what was being said and decided it'd be better to just lay in silence and try to fall asleep that way. 4:06 am, I turned off the podcast and closed my eyes again. And I started thinking.
I thought about where I am in life. How I got here. I thought about some teachers and peers from 8th grade. From 6th grade. I thought about friends and cousins (my friends were mostly my cousins).
Then I realized I don't have all that many memories. I don't remember much about my life in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th grade. I can remember a few things from 5th, and 6th. I don't recall any names at all from 7th grade. 8th is fuzzy. I have some memories from 9th grade. 10th kind of melds with 9th for me, and the same goes for 11th and 12th. Out of high school, my entire perception of time and events is fucked.
So what?
So, what am I doing? That's so what.
What am I doing with my knowledge, as in why am I not putting knowledge I have into action?
What am I doing with my time, as in why am I wasting my most valuable asset?
What am I doing with my life, as in why am actively not making any progress?
What am I doing here, as in what am I doing here?
The answer is: I don't know.
And I haven't known for a long time.
I don't know how I ended up here. I merely existed my way into my current position. Sure, there was application of self here and there, but to what end? (After "here and there," should that have been a semicolon instead of a comma?) I have aimlessly wandered myself into my current position. And I hate myself for it. Quite honestly, I hate a lot for it. I hate enough to sometimes want to die. I've tossed around the idea of suicide a handful of times over the years. Never an attempt, never a "this is it," moment, never an actual plan to kill myself... but those thoughts were just around the corner.
Every time I was close, though, I convinced myself somehow that life is worth it. That there are things worth living for. And every time (so far), after a couple years of existing, I find myself back at the thought that Not Being might be pretty good.
And I'm tired of it. I'm not necessarily tired of being. I'm tired of just existing rather than not existing. I'm tired of this constant slow-yet-constant float down to near rock bottom, only to muster just enough courage to "keep going."
Admittedly, there are grandiose estimations of who I am within the context of the universe that can be reigned in, but still... keep going where?
Am I going to convince myself to continue living again, just to go through the same thing again in a year or two?
I'd rather not. I'd rather evolve from this mental state and break from this cycle. But I don't know what is necessary for that.
I have some idea, but I don't know for sure.
I'm fairly certain that direction is necessary as a bare minimum. Hopefully I can start there. Today.
Copywriting by way of affiliate marketing.
9/29/2021